Have you been in a situation when you start asking yourself, “what do I do now?” 

These past weeks I feel that I am running out of strength, as if the fire inside me is slowly burning out. I feel that the slow death in my spirit is manifesting in my physical body. My physical body is weak, my mental power is fading and my spiritual strength is dimming. Do I just watch and see everything shatter before my eyes?

For the entire week this week, I have been battling a symptom brought by my congenital defect in my heart, chronic illness and stress. It isn’t easy, but I just have to carry on. I discussed my dilemma with my cardiologist this morning and he was also worried that my condition might get worse if I don’t do something about it. I have to get into meds, twice as much as I am already in, it sucks, and I didn’t like it. However I still feel grateful for having a doctor who understood that I am not one who would accept to be dependable on drugs to manage my dis-ease. 

This tine I have to listen to my doctor though, but he knows for a fact, my goal would be to manage the symptoms and slowly get out of meds eventually.  I told him I am subjecting myself into a master cleanse program - cleansing my gut and rid of any toxins that accummulated inside, causing inflammation in my entire body. He said that it might help so he encouraged me to go for it.  I also told him I have my essential oils too, to help support my body. He just smiled, and said, make sure you monitor yourself and update me with the progress. I still think he thinks I am crazy hehehe.. well I am and proud of it haha!

I am off work for an entire freaking week because of what my body is going through! I am not sure if to me it is a good thing, since I get to de-stress, relax and give myself more care, or bad because I know for a fact that I would come back to a pile of shit and be on the same toxic environment I am in after I am better. I have strong mental endurance but lately work has been eating me up inside. The stress is overbearing and I started questioning myself, is the paycheck even worth sacrificing my sanity?

I think what my physical is going through was due to a mental, emotional and spiritual transformation that I am in, I guess I have been keeping so much energy in me and as I try to release these unwanted energy, it caused some sort of commotion in my body. I can’t pretend, but I am burned out from the whirlwind of emotions that I am in. The feeling of guilt, fear, and uncertainty. It is just overbearing. Did I tell you that YL’s Clarity is my new best friend? Ah if you knew me, I hated that oil, but recently it is a lifesaver when my emotions wreak havoc in my human mind.

I am tired. Tired of thinking about others but no one to care for myself. Sucks when you only have yourself to rely on, yeah? But then I can’t just sulk in and cry in one corner, right? I have to take control, and gain confidence that I can do things on my own, without anyone to depend on (even when deep inside I am longing to have someone ask how I am doing or if I am OK). That’s life, and I just have to be grateful of the great things that come my way. Suck it in Miyo! :)

So I got into a lot of wellness programs for the past 3 months. I got into a meditation session with Kimi Lu, Toby Gant and Rachel Jamiro in December. I was part of the Kimi Lu’s Well-being Boost Program with Michelle and Ciara in January, got a private coaching session with Toby in February, and a group session with Toby in March. I even got myself crystal bowls (well my husband got me the other one hehe)!

The Wellbeing Boost Program also helped me to listen more to myself. Be more intentional and grateful than I used to be, be more compassionate to myself. Creating that sacred space with my group without any judgement gave me a sense of relief. I realized that I am drawn to inspire people and that’s fueling me. I feel it is my life’s purpose.. to be able to shed light and lead someone out of the dark. Before I am able to, I have to lead myself out of the dark first.

Then I got into this private coaching session with Toby Gant early this month and it was amazing! I was hesitant at first because I am not comfortable opening myself that easily but I was glad I did! He actually sensed that feeling that I am hiding, not just from myself, but from the people around me. I am in deep need of care too you know. Being in the session with him removed that stabbing feeling that I have inside me. It is as if I felt that someone finally saw through me. Someone saw that behind the strong facade that I try to eminate on the outside, I am dying inside. The meditation and soul searching helped me release the bottled up feelings. I feel more alive now, and looking forward to where future will lead me. Not entirely healed but I am I getting there. 

This month I got to know more who I am and what I am capable of. I guess I have been too shortsighted and underestimating of myself. So much for someone who always think that “we are all designed for greatness” ha! Maybe I knew, but I am not accepting because I am scared of failure. How do you fail anyway? I giess when you lack belief and faith. Then I realized I am full of that, then why limit myself?

I thought I already learned to love myself. I guess I ain’t there yet. I am human, I acknowledge that. I have weaknesses and strengths, but my strengths are beyond my imaginationt. I just have to dig deeper inside me to start that spark that died down. I just have to keep finding myself, so I can continue to give to others. 

My cup ran out, without noticing. So I almost died, my spirit almost died. I am grateful that God has been so gracious to equip me with tools and people who can help me find myself again and fill that cup. I am embarking a new journey, not knowing where it would lead me, but it is clearer now, and I am sure that it would be where I have always dreamed of. I am not there yet, but I am taking the first step. It might not include things that I thought would be part of that dream but then, I guess things will just get better. 

I know because I asked, and I believe.. so I will receive. Until then, I have to transform myself physically, mentally and spiritually so that I am the person that I need to be, to receive that enormous purpose that God has planned for me.